So I've decided to instead use this blog as a revival of my live/deadjournal.
It's the hottest day of the year. That's saying a lot. For record purposes, I got a B in my precalc class this second time around. Otherwise it's been the same thing for the past 2 years.
Except this morning I realized something.
As I slipped out of my coma-like sleep, it came to me that it's not going to change the way I always thought it would.
I guess I always thought it'd be something magical and inexplicable. That somehow, through drastically changing my external the same would apply internally. Now I'm not saying I also thought it'd be instant. I realistically figured it'd be a gradual change. When you're little you've got this idea of what it's gonna be like to be older. Usually it looks like an afterschool special, and later on an indie film. But what actually ends up happening is whatever you let happen. There's no one directing your next scene behind the backdrop, and there's no audience reacting to your inner monologues. There's no script. It's been just you all along.
But that's not even what I mean. Of course the outside affects the inside. But not in the way I thought it would. And I found this out by really asking myself,
If I was given everything I wanted (even intangible stuff like life experiences) and still kept disliking what's inside me, would I be happy? Even if it was a gradual process?
No. I wouldn't be. And there it was.
No matter what I do, the only way to stop the vicious circle is to stop the vicious circle.
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